amaranthine imbalance (an exile)

Yesterday my horoscope read:

Scorpio Horoscope for February 22, 2010

Uncertainty and shifting grounds can mark the day's outcomes, and confidence may retreat in the face of a challenge. Confrontation is the wrong game to play, but pulling out entirely is equally unsuitable. Take judicious compromise now and the resulting situation will improve, but don't chase diminishing returns.

And it couldn't have been more accurate... Oh the shifting surfaces! It is a dance that is difficult to master

---
chasing a diminishing return,
chasing my own stinging tail,
digging a rut in the garden of eden
all to no avail.
I know I'll just keep spinning,
pretending I will prevail,
because the future is uncertain
even as it's happening once again;
and the delusion of asserted will is a comfort
as I dance fight the choreographed end.
and the fruit from the tree is now dropping
on the trembling, shifting sand
while my kisses, more than retreating footsteps,
cause earthquakes where they land.
the forbidden tastes I gather
as I move in vertical lines
are very hard to swallow,
and I am running out of time.
so grab once more for my hand.
take me back to that eternal spring.
let the clocks be smashed and silent.
only let the furrows ring.
flood them with the tears of tomorrow
that my memories may grow
behind the amaranthine angel who guards them
row upon copper row.

drop of blood on the thorn bush

Red bird
So very small
Does anyone else
Notice you at all
I would not had I not heard
Your repeating repeating your tiny word

I don’t understand the note you pray
Your matins on this the Lord’s Holy Day
But I close my eyes and mouth with you
Breathing out darkness and filling with new
Day, the Sun, the promise of Light
Drawing me out of the troubles of Night
Shadows and screamings
Pain and Fear
Too tired for dreaming
I look up through the clear
Bright new dawn
And search through my windows
For a new sol to wish upon

When did you leave your master's side
To greet the mourning below my eyes
A drop of blood from my saviour’s side
The miracle that I have longed for
A sign, a clue, the fiery orb
St.Elmo sends his final word
Go in peace. Return and find
All you wanted you left behind

Ah, sweet bird
Pray for me
I will repeat that single word
So sweet
Mercy, Mercy, Mercy
On me
Have mercy my lord
Mercy on me

A confession, a profession, a pleading song
Sighing it daily my whole life long
With every action with every breath
Let it flow through me and continue in death

Lord Jesus Christ (breathing You in)
Son of the Living God (profess my faith as I breathe it out)
Have Mercy on me (I breathe it in)
A sinner (Let it go)

Repeat, Repeat
No more than a small bird's
Quiet lonely peep

forgive me

I recently found myself in a conversation regarding forgiveness. The person with whom I was speaking had reprimanded her sister for continuing to be angry with a lousy boyfriend who had called to apologize for acting like a jerk earlier that day. Let me note here, an act of contrition from him is quite remarkable, but currently she is going way beyond the extra mile for him, and I suspect that his apology is a veiled attempt at trapping her more tightly to himself through the confusion of Christian counsel. The given rebuke was, "You must forgive anyone who asks forgiveness." Now this is a tricky situation, and the imperative to forgive becomes a confusing statement as she is also being told she should leave the bad boyfriend. I simply pointed out the confusion created by these contradictory instructions, but that is not what I want to blahg about.

The concept I will address is what I see as a much larger problem with the admonition as a statement, a fundamental misunderstanding of forgiveness (though I left it unstated as this is a tricky situation filled with years of emotional and dogmatic baggage - a "God helps those who help themselves" sort of pioneer concept). It is my understanding that forgiveness is not dependent upon a change of heart by the offender. It is the act of the offended's releasing the transgressor from the perceived debt owed as a result of the affront. Forgiveness has everything to do with the offended's attitude but not the offender's. On the flip side, if we find ourselves in the position of the offender we must not ask forgiveness; we should only express our guilt and sorrow over the offense, deal with/ remark on/ claim only our own actions. To ask forgiveness is to place the responsibility and guilt of our offense on the shoulders of the one whom we have already hurt. It is an attempt to release ourselves from the responsibility of dealing with our crimes. How many times have we said or heard, "I said I was sorry!" or, "It is not my fault if (s)he can't get over it!" As the offender, we then pick up a righteous banner and wage a new war, turning the offended into an offender. By this reversal how much do we add to our offensiveness. We increase our victim's burden by placing our guilt on them to deal with. We cannot insist on forgiveness. It is not ours to claim. It is not our right. Yes, we can expect it in prayer, it has already been promised. We can rest comfortably in the promise given through the blood of Christ, but we mustn't expect the ones we wound here to respond as Christ. They did not volunteer to carry our burden of sin, we forced it on them.

(Let me clarify to anyone who thinks I am creating an argument for holding grudges, I believe that we are to forgive even if no apology is made, but I also believe it is far harder to forgive than it is to sin against another person. My position is that forgiveness has almost nothing to do with its recipient. It is a matter between the one offended and God. We are told to forgive because we have been forgiven. We pray that God will forgive us as we forgive others. Also, once forgiven, the transgressor's job then becomes refraining from wallowing in personal guilt and condemnation and beyond that, forgiving others- a sort of pay it forward, hehe. I will also make note here that the difficulty of forgiveness lies in the fact that though God forgives once and for all, we do not forget. The pain of inflicted wounds always smarts. Forgiveness has to happen over and over again. Just like we are "being saved"- we are not saved at any given point in time until we are released from time; so too forgiveness is a process.)

So anyway, all that to say, "When you cause an affront, just say, 'I am sorry!' "

port-o-jon ponderings

The tree is shiny, reflecting the rainbow of rotating light. The stockings are slightly swaying over the gas logs which flicker two eerie horns of nearly invisible flame. The multiple advent calendars, caught in the rumpled bed clothes of 2007, have yet to move past an infamous day. The holiday bulls-eyes are up on the doors. The poinsettias are thriving- I thought they would be dead by now. The Christmas music tries cheerfully to push out any thoughts of doubt and fear, whispering between lyrics, "No despair as we look towards a new year." The trash cans are full of Puffs Plus. The mugs are warm with hot cocoa or tea. The star lights glow in the plastic garlands on the mantel and the blessed stair railing on the second floor which keeps the youngsters from quick, painful trips down to the first floor.
The house is cozy except when there is a breeze outside. When it rains we have a river in the basement and a beautiful fountain which trickles from above the dining room picture window - soft tears that play a delicate melancholy rhythm on the sill. There are dust bunnies of flokati and cotton balls from nativity craft lambs- small shearlings scattered on the floor, blowing like fluffy-white tumble weeds, leading us to the small Christ child hiding in the corner. We wait for Jesus to come this year as every year, but somehow it is different. Somewhere something got lost or perhaps found. Is it because I believe it? Is it because I only want to believe? Do I wait only to celebrate his birth? Am I no longer impatient for his speedy return? Eager to raise my glass at his table? That cup for which he has been waiting so long to drink? Do I even believe in that table? Do I long too much to stay in this world, with my tv, wii, and children? Many days I wish to run away, but where would I go?

Perhaps, I could hide in the outhouse until the season passes and there are no reminders left of all my questions until everyone starts pulling out their bunnies and eggs.